


"Ghost Bust!": The Perverted Poltergeist

by junko



Series: Written in the Scars (of Our Hearts) [32]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Humor, M/M, Ship Tease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-31 09:30:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1030078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junko/pseuds/junko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Renji is very seriously NOT planning on going to the "Ghost Bust" viewing party at Ichigo's house, but somehow, in that way she does, Matsumoto talks him into it... and things couldn't possibly go any worse.  Meanwhile, Byakuya is on a stakeout to catch bandits targeting the Kuchiki supply train.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Ghost Bust!": The Perverted Poltergeist

The kitchen at the shōten smelled like popcorn. Urahara and Tessai and the two kids huddled around an air popper, watching it carefully, like it was one of Urahara’s experiments.

Renji slunk through trying to nab something from the fridge without anyone spotting him. He just wanted a bit of leftovers. The trouble was that all the Tupperware and boxes and whatnot needed checking, since some of their contents could have eyes. What didn’t need a peek needed a good, serious sniffing since a lot got stuck far in the back and could’ve gone off. 

By the second one Renji’d stuck his nose in; Urahara cleared his throat from right behind Renji. “Do you like butter on your popcorn, Lieutenant Abarai?”

How that guy could move without making a noise kind of freaked Renji out. Trying to hide his surprise, Renji said gruffly, “I ain’t watching that damn show.” He checked another container. This one smelled good, like a curry, but Renji was pretty sure it moaned in response to the light. He stuck that one back in the fridge, “Thought maybe I’d hide under the covers until it’s all over. You can tell me how it went later.”

“That’s a shame,” Urahara said, sounding sincerely disappointed. But, he must have decided not to push the issue. Reaching around Renji, Urahara pointed to a takeout box, “Udon. But, do try to remember what the handbook says about eating in your room!”

The hell had the handbook said? Right, clean up right away. No leaving dishes overnight in the room. There had been some past problem with attracting hungry ghosts or something…. “Got it,” Renji said. Opening the box, Renji took a whiff. Didn’t smell too spicy and nothing moved on its own. “Thanks.”

The popcorn started popping in earnest. Like a kid, Urahara scurried back to watch around Tessai’s shoulder.

They loved their gadgets, those two, Renji thought with a fond smile, as he grabbed a cold bottle of octopus-flavored Ramune. 

With a wave good-bye to Ururu who glanced up at him, Renji took his bounty and started headed towards his room. His plan was to pull out his futon mattress, lay out all the pillows and blankets and stuff, dig out some of that porn he and Byakuya had bought and hideout until the whole thing had blown over.

Unfortunately, he never made it more than ten steps down the hall before he—almost literally—ran into Matsumoto. He was distracted, working the glass stopper out of the top of Ramune, and nearly bounced into her ample bosom.

“There you are!” she squealed. Taking Renji by the elbow, she spun him in the direction of the front door. “We’ve only got twenty minutes and I haven’t even finished shopping for treats!”

“What are you talking about, Matsumoto?” Renji asked, following her, despite himself.

“You’re coming, of course,” she said, stopping at the front of the shop to slip back into her shoes. “Everyone’s going to be there. I heard Ikkaku is even bringing a girl!”

“A girl? What girl? Sempai doesn’t have a girl.” 

Of course, as soon as Renji said it, he remembered he’d seen Ikkaku all wrapped up with a naked, drunk Matsumoto their last night in the Soul Society.

Oblivious of Renji’s thoughts, Matsumoto continued, “I know, right? I was flabbergasted! Yumichika is taking it pretty well, but I don’t even know what’s going on. I mean, they’re living with her. Can you even imagine? She’s the sister of one of Ichigo’s friends I guess, so she must be what? Sixteen? Seventeen? I told Yumichika, that’s not right. I mean, Ikkaku kind of needs a grown-up plaything if he’s going to mess around,” Matsumoto said, holding on to Renji’s arm as she balanced on one leg to slip on her shoes. 

Her position gave him a great view of the valley between her breasts. She was wearing the tiniest top that not only rode low showing off her décolletage, but it also shimmied up, giving a peek at taut stomach and cute belly button. Her jeans hugged her hips and flared out near the ankle, like bell-bottoms. 

She continued, “Anyway, Ikkaku is bringing the girl to the thing tonight. And I am dying to see this person! She must be… I don’t know, Renji, do you think she’s fierce or fluffy?”

“What?”

“I mean, in ladies, do you think Ikkaku likes fierce or fluffy?” Matsumoto tucked her arm under Renji’s and headed down the street.

“I don’t know. I mean, I never seen him with a lady before. Not once the whole time I served with him.” Again, present company excluded, but Renji was pretty sure that’d been a drunken one-off.

Renji glanced up at the lamp post considering. He remembered Yumichika saying something about a faze—

Wait, lamp posts?

Suddenly Renji realized that, once again, Matsumoto had her arm entwined in his and they were going somewhere. Or, rather, he was being led somewhere. Only this time, he put his feet down.

“Whoa, whoa, hold up. I ain’t going to Ichigo’s party!”

Matsumoto pouted. “What? Why not, Renji? Don’t you want to spend a night with your crew?”

He showed her his container of leftover noodles and the bottle of soda. He jerked his thumb back in the direction of the shōten. “I’m having a night in. Plus, you got me out here without shoes.”

Renji looked at his feet. How did she do this? He’d gone several blocks on the cold concrete. Of course, despite half a century with shoes, the pads of his feet were still hard as rocks and just about as unfeeling. It used to put Yachiru out that she couldn’t tickle him there.

“It’s not far now,” she said, dismissively waving at the bare foot he’d lifted to show her. “And, everyone would love to see you. I managed to even get Captain Hitsugaya to come! That was a feat, I must tell you. He’s been so gloomy lately. I mean, more than usual. But, you know what I think?” she asked with a little twinkle, “I think the captain is hot for the Kurosaki sister.”

Renji was intrigued, “The shy little blonde one?”

“No, the louder one who plays soccer! Karin! Oh, it’s ever so cute, Renji. You have to come see. Oh, hey, how much money do you have on you?” Renji hadn’t even noticed they’d started down the road again, but now Matsumoto stopped in front of a convenience store.

“Uh, a hundred in change, if I’m lucky.”

“Give it to me. We’re going in on beer together,” Matsumoto held out her hand. After tucking his noodle container under his arm, Renji dug out the coins. Turned out he had closer to a thousand, having found a crumbled up yen note jammed deep down in with the lint.

She told him to wait outside, so Renji sat down on the curb and popped open his noodle container. He used his fingers to slurp up diner. By the time Matsumoto came back with a six-pack and a bag of chips, Renji had polished off the food and recycled the container and the Ramune bottle.

“C’mon,” she said, “We can just about make it for the opening credits!”

“Uh, yeah, about that,” Renji said, not getting up from the ground. “You go on. I’m good. You know, Chad pounded the crap out of me, I’ll just head back and go to—“

Matsumoto gave him a very disapproving look. “Is this about Rukia?”

“What?”

“Are you and Ichigo fighting because of her?”

“No! We’re not fighting! Whatever gave you that idea?”

“I know how you feel about her, Renji, and it’s obvious how she feels about Ichigo,” Matsumoto said. Tossing him the six-pack, Renji caught it deftly. She patted his topknot and gave him a very sad face that she turned into a bright smile, “But you can’t let something like that ruin tonight! We’re all just going to drink a bit of beer and watch TV. Surely, your pride can handle such a little thing.”

Somehow he was following after her again, trying to explain. “Look, it’s not about my pride, okay? It’s just this show… I don’t ever need to see it, all right?” Renji said, desperately hoping the darkness covered his flushing skin.

“Oh, Renji,” she laughed. “I know it’s a very stupid show. No one is really going to be watching! This whole thing is just an excuse to get everyone together for a night and have a laugh.”

Not even going to really watch…? 

Truth was, they were a rowdy bunch. Renji had barely heard much of Godzilla the other night for all the Kurosaki banter and horseplay. Add Ikkaku and the rest to them…?

“Yeah, okay, I guess that’d be all right.”

#

Near the top of a tall pine tree, Byakuya perched on the highest branch that would support his weight easily. From his vantage point he could see much of the ‘lawless land’ of the border zone below. The tree was stuck up far enough above the others that Byakuya could see a bit of the district beyond. The road the caravan was likely to use was there in the moonlight, a dusty ridge between rice paddies.

The rest of the ambush crew had spots all around the only possible route for a caravan to pass through the dense forest. Much of the woodlands were impassable for a heavily laden caravan with horses and carts and such, but there was a well-worn track that followed the river.

A crescent moon shone dimly, high in the sky. The forest was abuzz with the sounds of nighttime insects and gurgling rapids. Moonlight glittered on the narrow, swift-moving water of the river. The air was cold and biting on Byakuya’s cheek, but it smelled pleasantly of pitch and woods and smoke. 

In the distance, a campfire glowed.

Seichi had recovered enough to come along. Though Byakuya’s team had debated long and hard about his usefulness, Seichi proved surprisingly helpful so far. Trailed silently by the ninja from the Second, Seichi was making talk with those gathered at the camp, sussing out if they were friendly or enemy. 

Several of Byakuya’s team had taken up stationary positions along the route, while a few of the Sixth’s best scouts roamed the forest for signs of bandits. No word had come back yet.

There was nothing to do now, but wait. 

Byakuya stayed alert by trying to think of who the bandit king might be. Had he made an enemy of a seated officer? He must have, but who and how?

The only one that Byakuya kept coming back to was the Third Seat, Miisho Ōta. The man harbored more than a little ill-will ever since discovering the relationship Byakuya had with Renji. 

Byakuya could understand it, in a way. The division was built on the ideal of noble reason, and it was irresponsible to take up with one’s lieutenant. And, quite honestly, mistakes had been made. Renji tossing the Third into the street, Byakuya’s own missteps… Yes, there was a deep ugliness between the three of them now, but the kagema’s description did not match Ōta. 

There were many people in his own Division Byakuya knew he had no hope of recognizing, but Ōta was not among them.

So who else could it be?

He blinked away his thoughts when movement appeared on the horizon. Byakuya could see the caravan beginning to emerge from the row houses of the District. Two seconds later he saw the shadows creeping along the rooftops. 

The bandits!

Byakuya sent up the alarm.

#

At the Kurosaki house, Yuzu answered the door looking a little harried, but very happy. She wore a frilly green apron with dancing cartoon chefs on it. “Oh!” Yuzu said, looking first to Renji and then at Matsumoto. “You brought a friend, Abarai-san! Come in! The show is about to start.”

Before Renji could explain that he and Matsumoto were not dating, Renji found himself in charge of the crisps and the beer, while Matsumoto slipped out of her shoes.

He looked at his bare feet, feeling a little self-conscious, like he was back in Inuzuri. The guy without shoes. Cripes. But, he wiped his feet on the welcome mat and stepped inside. 

As he made his way into the living room, he could see that the dark-haired sister Karin and Captain Hitsugaya were talking earnestly about something in the kitchen. The captain was helping Karin arrange something on a plate and their heads were together, very close. Hitsugaya’s spiky white hair brushed Karin’s forehead. 

Matsumoto noticed the direction of Renji’d been looking, and gave him a nod and a broad wink, as if to say, ‘See, told you.’ He nodded back. It sure looked like the young captain had found himself a serious friend, if nothing else. And, fuck all, if it wasn’t cute as a dickens.

The living room was restrained chaos. 

There we pillows and people and popcorn spread all over the floor. A woman did seem to be fawning over Ikkaku, while Yumichika sat close enough to Ikkaku that their knees touched. Yumichika munched popcorn from a bowl in Ikkaku’s lap resolutely, if somewhat daintily, while rolling his eyes occasionally as the lady cooed something Renji couldn’t quite hear about ‘skinheads.’

Ikkaku, Renji was weirdly happy to see, looked miserable. If there had been a ‘faze,’ sempai was clearly long over it. In fact, Ikkaku kept looking to Yumichika as though for help, and clearly was being punished by not getting anything, not even a sympathetic look.

The couch was occupied by Captain Shiba and Chad. The two of them together barely fit. Shiba had his arm around the couch and Chad looked deeply uncomfortable to be snuggling up to Ichigo’s dad, even against his will. But, they kind of looked like they’d come together since they were both in Hawaiian print shirts. Their shirts might match, but their personalities couldn’t’ve clashed more. Chad, of course, was silent, munching on a bag of crisps. Shiba, meanwhile, was talking his ear off about… well, everything and nothing, getting progressively louder by the minute, as if he thought Chad were deaf or maybe a little mentally deficient.

Ichigo was sitting on the floor leaned up against the couch, flanked on either side by two of the kids Renji remembered as friends of Ichigo’s from school. One of them was texting someone on his very fancy cell phone, and the other one was desperately trying to say something that would amuse Ichigo. 

Ichigo looked kind of like he’d rather be fighting Kenpachi. But, Renji couldn’t be sure, since the kid did always have a scowl on his face.

Ichigo’s expression changed, however, the instant he saw Renji. He looked… relieved, maybe? Possibly happy, but the speed at which Ichigo separated himself from his human friends made Renji think it was probably the former.

“So, you came?” Ichigo asked, nabbing Renji by the elbow. “But I thought—“ 

Miraculously Ichigo shut up when he noticed the meaningful head jerk Renji made in the direction of Matsumoto.

Matsumoto, though, was no idiot. She was on the scent of scandal like a bloodhound. “Thought what?”

“Nothing!” Ichigo and Renji said in unison.

Fuck, they couldn’t sound guiltier. 

Matsumoto’s eyes glittered and her smile widened. She knew something was up.

Just then, someone turned up the volume as the announcer intoned, “In tonight’s episode of Don Kanonji’s ‘Ghost Bust’ we meet out most perverted spirit yet! Join us in our hunt for what observers are calling a man-beast with demonic blood-red hair, tiger-stripes, and a penchant for public sex!”

Matsumoto looked at Renji and her eyes widened, ready to pop out of her head. Then, for some insane reason, she glanced at where Ichigo was still clutching Renji’s sleeve. Some kind of calculation seemed to go on behind her eyes and then she sucked in a horrified breath. “He’s a minor, Renji!” she admonished in a harsh whisper. “But no wonder Rukia and Orihime left! Shame on you! Shame on both of you!”

“Wait… what?” Renji was having trouble tracking Matsumoto’s thought process--that was, until Ichigo let go of his arm and jumped away from Renji like he was on fire.

She thought… him and Ichigo?

“Uh… you got the wrong--” Renji started.

But, before he could finish, Ichigo looked like he was desperately trying to brush off ‘queer cooties’ and interrupted with a little-too-frantic, “Him? Are you kidding me? I’m not dating him. Bya--”

Renji dropped the beer and chips and quickly clamped his hand over Ichigo’s mouth, and said, “Byakuya would kill me if I dated the boy his sister was into, right, Ichigo?”

Ichigo was gearing up for a fight or possibly to bite the inside of Renji’s palm, but he got the message. He nodded, if reluctantly, and managed a muffled, “Right.”

“Sure,” Matsumoto said, skeptically. “If you say so, boys!”

When Renji looked around to see if anyone else was buying this, he was met with varying degrees of horrified, shocked, and turned-on faces. He realized he still had Ichigo in a kind of strangle hold that could, given the way people’s mind’s worked, look kind of like a hug. He let Ichigo go with a push.

Before Renji could stammer out more denials, he found himself wrapped up in one of Captain Shiba’s beefy arms and dragged into the kitchen.

Ichigo trailed after shouting, “Dad! Dad! This is so not what you think, you gigantic moron!”

Once they were in the kitchen, Captain Shiba spun Renji around until he had a hand on either one of Renji’s shoulders. His grip was solid. Even though Shiba was an inch shorter, he must have outweighed Renji by fifteen pounds of sheer muscle mass. Plus, Renji could feel captain-level reiatsu bearing down on him, despite Shiba’s huge, false grin. “Now then, if you are dating my son--”

“No!” Ichigo shouted. “Just so much no!”

Shiba just got louder to be heard over Ichigo’s protests, “--Then there are some house rules I will expect you to follow! Number one! Condoms! If you cannot afford them, they will be provided for you by Daddy-dearest.”

Why did Renji feel like he was being read his rights by some pervert version of the sex police?

“Number two: treat my boy with respect or I will hunt you to the end of creation and murder you!” Shiba announced jovially, but there was no doubt of the serious menace in his voice.

Behind Shiba’s broad back, Renji could see Ichigo smacking his forehead. “God, Dad,” he moaned. “I’m not dating him! Can I just take a minute to be horrified that you went there? I mean, hello, Rukia’s been living in my closet!”

Shiba, still gripping Renji’s shoulders tightly, said, “You think Daddy hasn’t been paying attention? You’re a fifteen year old bundle of hormones! I knew you had to be getting it somewhere else since you never hit that once!”

“Fuck, Dad! Maybe I was being a gentleman!”

“Yes, a very _gentle_ man,” Shiba agreed with a weird, broad wink at Renji, like somehow being a nice guy equated with sexual preferences. “You were always your mama’s boy, and, anyway, I knew you and that Keigo kid have been going out forever! He’s always mooning outside your window!”

“What?” Ichigo gasped, his voice broke a little. “What the fuck even goes through your head? You know what? I should just be gay to prove all your stupid, backwards notions wrong!”

“Um, and can I just say I was not ‘mooning’?” came another voice from the kitchen door. Renji and Shiba both turned to look to see everyone huddled at the door frame, peeking in. The kid who’d spoken, a guy with a flop of brown hair, who must have been the Keigo in question, added, “Though, if you do go gay, Ichigo? I’m there for you.”

“Oh, me, too,” agreed Yumichika.

And the little dark haired boy with the cell phone nodded and gave a thumbs up.

Renji let out a little huff of a laugh. Apparently a lot of Ichigo’s friends wouldn’t mind if he swung for the other team, as it were.

“Thanks a lot, guys,” Ichigo sneered.

Shiba finally let go of Renji. “See, my son! You could have come out sooner! Your friends are very supportive.”

“Yeah, okay, great. This is my coming out party. Swell,” Ichigo said miserably. Then he snapped at the group huddled at the door. “Seriously, do you guys really think I snuck off to some sleazy sentō with Renji in my spirit form and had invisible, public sex?” Ichigo pointed at Renji. Something in the faces of those gathered at the door must’ve made Ichigo swallow the rest of his rant. “No, wait, nobody answer that. You know what, forget this! It doesn’t fucking matter what anyone thinks. It never has. I’m going out. Fuck all of you.”

With that, Ichigo grabbed his coat from a hanger and stomped out the back door.

Shiba gave Renji a look. “Don’t you think you should go after him?”

“Uh…” Renji shook his head. “I think he wants to be on his own, don’t you?”

“He’s your boyfriend,” Shiba said, starting to dig through his jean's pockets. “Oh! Do you need a condom?”

“No! What? No!” Renji said, backing away. “Yeah, okay, you know, I’ll go after Ichigo. That sounds like a great idea.”

Renji took that has his cue to dash out the back and make his escape. 

It was possible this night actually turned out much, much worse than Renji thought it would.


End file.
